What do Abusive Families Look Like? Its All In How They Handle Conflict

Raising awareness of abused kids.

So what do abusive families look like? They look like your and my family. The only way to tell from the outside that the family has taken on a dysfunctional nature is to see the patterns inherent in the way they handle conflict and dissent. It takes a level of insight and openness to the possibilities but the signs are there for anyone to see.

First, no family that has engage in dysfunctional behavior will admit their behavior is a gross violation of human rights. They don't have the self-reflective ability to do so and are buried in their patterns and live in a self confirmed system. They created a reality that can't be challenged from the inside.

Second, abusive families are all about power dynamics. If they can't control you they will seek to damage you. In healthy families people can voice their opinion and their voice will be respected. Families that want control will either snub reasonable concerns or "shout down" dissent. The loudest and most bully voice wins!

The opposite of this is healthy families that listen first, ask questions, and the come conclusions that are helpful to all members. This is what we would expect out of mature people and this is what we expect out of healthy families.

Third, Some dysfunctional families spread rumors to damage another person's credibility. Its called character assassination and is well document in the literature. They know they have done wrong and instead of facing it they seek to win in the court of public opinion. The more they can get people to hate the target the more they see themselves as blameless.

Fourth, having civil conversations with abusive family members is almost impossible. They are a "might over right mentality". Some family members might use their popularity to damage another person or another might physical threaten.  The particular power someone uses to control another person is highly dependent on abilities and context. Yet in an abusive family there always is an issue of control.

Fifth, sometimes fights get legal because families involved children as missiles in perpetuating the dysfunctional behavior. This is not a healthy environment for the children or for the family members themselves. They talk openly of the hate they have for a person who may not be guilty of much but be a convenient target. You will often find a whole host of other questionable behaviors because of the lack of empathy and boundaries. Think about it...if your willing to damage to control are you willing to do other things for self-gain?

Sixth, dysfunctional families call anything that questions inappropriate behavior as "drama" They use the word drama to minimize and de-legitimize important concerns. They know that person is right about challenging poor behavior but it is just easier to "gas light". Gas light means making someone else responsible for their behavior through insinuating "insanity" and "over emotionality". Often there was no reaction other then calling out poor behavior.

Seventh, Not all family members are supportive of the abusive dynamics but they may feel powerless to speak up because if they do means they "sold out" their family. There could also be fear of having family arguments and stress.Some may be clueless what is going on while others may simply be choosing to stay quiet because it is in their best interest to do so. As this happens families damage themselves and fail to take on a healthier existence because there are no checks and balances.

Eight, dysfunctional families love to compare themselves to other people. They diminish others and raise themselves up. People of different, colors, lifestyles, religion, interests, education, friends, etc... are overtly put down and discarded. They are too weak to face their failures and take responsibility over their own lives so they must find targets. The people who engage in such aggressive behavior feel inadequate and project their feelings onto others. Sometimes they even lie about their own friends, children, and relatives.

I'm raising support for children who have been abused and need your help. These are orphans who now have no one in their lives. Problems first arise through dysfunctional dynamics that member refuse to change and eventually lead to more aggressive behaviors that result in children being taken away. If you support these kids you may send me money directly through Paypal muradabel@gmail.com or Venmo for Donations (@muradabel) and I will bring down supplies the next time I visit or you can support an established non-profit https://classy.org/fundraiser/1984592

Show Down with Iran-Steps to Resolution

We are back at it with Iran our cultural nemesis that seems to be prodding and poking us at every turn. When they have an opportunity they seem to work within the shadows and seek not to be held accountable for actions that are against international peace. We should understand that Iran is a different ideology that often sees itself as a victim to world aggression. Their cultural and ideological beliefs makes them look like an in-out group to the outside world. Their fear of the outside world drives much of their actions but they have crossed the line if they used military tactics to communicate their needs. No action is not really an option at this point without Iranian adjusting its ways. Before responding with a "heavy hand" lets try and consider an approach that allows Iran to acknowledge its wrong doing and move more towards peace.

First, I do not believe Iranian people are evil or crazed lunatics. They are a self interested people like everyone else on the planet. They want to achieve their objectives while minimizing their costs. This makes them open to possible reason and self-monitoring. Self-interest may be an opening to drive their reform.

There are no perfect solutions and the situation will remain fluid. It is important to understand we are dealing with differences in ideology and tactics and we should consider the most proven approaches that ensures the U.S. acts in the most integrity to improve our international standing.

1.) Give Iran a Chance to Explain: If the evidence points to Iran it is important to give them a chance to explain themselves. We should never make assumptions or fit round pegs in square holes because our integrity of a nation relies on our ability show leadership through maturity.

2.) Ask for Financial Compensation for the Damage: If they are guilty we should ask them to provide compensation for the damage plus an penalties for the inconvenience.

3.) Ask for Pledges of Security for Ships: Ensure that we have a pledge of security for ships coming through the area to better secure global commerce.

4.) Collation of Ships that Protect the Channel: Utilize an international coalition of ships to patrol the area and clear of mines. Clearing missions are not seen as threats. International interests will put pressure on Iran to reverse course. Charge Iran for the costs of the effort.

5.) Push Russia to Influence Iran: Russia has a lot of influence over Iran. Discuss with them potential solutions to the problem while making sure the situation is not being exploited.

6.) International Courts: Clearing global shipping channels is a world issue and impacts everyone. Thus we should not rule out international courts. Try and create pressure through the international courts to create pressure on protecting shipping.

7.) Ban Iranian Military Ships from Entering the Area: If Iran does not accept the positive terms to peace then its military ships should be barred from the area. That may mean limited military intervention which raises the stakes and risks. We could insist on a temporary ban until the problem has been resolved.

8.) Retaliation and Direct Military Action: I'm not an advocate of direct military action unless we have explored other options and opportunities. We are not dealing with Iraq but a much more independent and rugged country with their own ideology. These problems make their way for decades, sometimes centuries, in the long-memory of the Islamic world.

Great Day of Sailing-Learn from Different Skippers

The wind blowing, the good spirited competition, sail boat races are fun and exciting! If you also like to sail you might want to be involved in the Escanaba Yacht Club. It is a small but very well run place with friendly members.  Its a small community of sailboat enthusiasts. Like many other clubs they are always open to new members. You may want to come down for their Wednesday night races at 6 (skippers meetings) or  7 (the races) to watch.

Here is their link https://escanabayachtclub.com/index.html

If you are serious about sailing you will want to go out with different skippers to gain the best knowledge of different boats and how people sail them. Each person has their own way of approaching a race. I enjoy the process of learning. 

This is video is about 6 knots. Not bad for a 22'!

Suspended Beach House Overhanging the Beach

Sometimes you can get a great shot without even thinking much about it. On my way down to help an orphanage, some information below, I came across this very nice beach house to take a picture. What I love about it is that there are horses walking the beach below. I didn't think about it until after the picture was taken. Apparently I have selective attention.

You can donate to a non-profit that supports the orphanages.  https://www.classy.org/fundraiser/1984592

Printed pictures can be purchased and profits go to orphanage.
Most under $40 depending on size/quality. Free Shipping!
Contact if interested muradabel@gmail.com or text 619-540-0501
PayPal for Donations (muradabel@gmail.com)
Venmo for Donations (@muradabel)

The Journey Creates Happiness

We spend a great proportion of our time trying to find happiness. Some of us do it through buying things, some through working hard, some through friends, and some through minimization. Happiness isn't any of those things alone. Happiness is the journey where goals and appreciate for the present make the biggest impact on how we feel.

There is something about having a goal and enjoying the process that creates happiness. If you have no goals you don't really have much to motivate you everyday.

Goals should also be worthy your effort. You will want something that gets you excited each day to wake up, get out of bed, and get moving.

Its seems that happiness can be found in the process of wanting to accomplish something that seems to make a big difference in our lives. It is the forward cognition focused on a better future mixed with a focus each day that puts annoying little things in perspective.

Yet accomplishing goal after goal doesn't make one happy. We must also accept each day as it comes and live in the moment. Goals are great but so is the enjoyment of the process. Live now, work toward tomorrow, and enjoy everyday.

If you want to find happiness think about what you want out of your future and work toward it. Don't expect everything to be perfect. Don't assume you will be happy if you achieve your goals. Instead think of how to make the journey fun and meaningful to you.

3 Ways of Getting Hired Almost Every Time

Landing the job is important for people. It is a way in which we pay for our daily expenses as becomes wrapped into the way we view ourselves. Employment is more than just money as it takes on a new form of identity. You will want to grow in your jobs like you grow in your life. If you are trying to take a step up with a new job there are three great ways you can ensure you can get hired.

1.) Communication: From the clothing you wear to your body language you are communicating a message. Make sure your resume is free from errors and you are looking good so that your message is accurate. 

2.) Experience: People will want to ensure that you have the skills needed to succeed in this job. Highlight that experience which is most relevant to the employer. 

3.) Reputation: Most jobs are filled by people we already know or have received a referral. Make sure that you keep your reputation strong and engage with your classmates. 

Writing Media for Different Audiences in a Social World-A Few Good Tips

The mood of this picture might sell insurance
or safety equipment but not sun tan lotion. :)

Writing has an important influence on marketing. Writing well for your audience and media channel helps companies to increase sales. At its core marketing is communication. Nothing more or less. Marketers share information about their products as directly to interested parties as they can. Learning how to write helps to improve sales.  You will also need to find your demographic and use their preferred technology so as to best reach them with the least amount of distraction.

People are not always open to new information so we should consider how we are reaching them and what we are saying. Modern writing has changed to match new technologies. Using the proper language for that media (i.e. text vs. traditional writing) makes a difference its ability to get through the "noise". The channel will often depend on who your audience is and how they like to communicate.

The Impact of Modern Media on Writing: Texting and fast paced information has changed the very nature in which we communicate online. We would once write our sentences out in full using  typewriters and computers. Each borrowed from the next to implement into the new technology.

Because cell phones had a fundamentally different functionality it was necessary to develop a text language or otherwise it would take a lot of effort to communicate with others. Discussions became truncated and new words were developed that made their way into other language channels.

As this technology changes again with easier keyboards, speech-to-text software, and greater processing speed the language is likely to change again. For example, emojis change the meaning of a sentence through providing emotion. This was something text often lacked leading to miscommunication.

Audience Influence on Content: In today's world technology has changed and people have more access to information than they did in the past. They become co-authors in the creation of brands and have no problem voicing their opinions. Online forums and customer reviews have put the customer at the center of product value.

This is a positive and beneficial thing when we consider that people should be in charge of the product value discussion. As we use products and share our opinions we find that some products have more value and some don't. This value is not dictated by companies but by the people who use them.

Identify Targets for Marketing: The era of big data is here and companies can use that information to find their core demographics that are most likely to buy products. When a target audience is found the return on investment of a product moves upward. People of certain demographic backgrounds have more interest and motivation to buy certain products (i.e. outdoor products and outdoor enthusiasts).

Conducting marketing research makes it more possible you will find the demographics you seek and are capable of reaching those groups using channels. Channels are the type of media you use to reach out and communicate with potential customers (i.e. newspaper, email, text, etc...). In essence, they are pathways of communication. The better we get at finding them, the more sales we can make.

Tips:

          1. Write for Your Customer and Technology Limitations: Write for your customer in the
              language they understand while keeping in mind how technology is used.

          2. Audience is a Co-Creator: It is important to remember that the audience is a co-creator of
             information. You may write it and customers may change its meaning.

         3. Understand  Your Target: The target can get confusing so make sure you know who you   
             want to reach and what channel you will use.